Lost Boys

Welcome back! I'm looking forward to another evening of nothingness :D Tonight is like my Friday night (off work tomorrow) so I'm going to watch horror movies and veg out. To some this is a sad existence, but to me it's what I live for.... Now the big question: Zombies or Vampires? Both have special places in my heart. I haven't seen Night of the Living Dead in a while, but then again I really want to watch Lost Boys and order Chinese hehehe I guess it will be both.

These lazy nights are few and far between, but when I get them I cherish them! I just wish the boys had a bit less energy tonight. You think they would get along once in a while. Instead they are having a full blown fight on if monsters really exist. Cory, of course, believes they do (my dreamworld like imagination at work) and is scared to pretend to be one. I swear, five year olds are nuts!

I guess I'm going to get comfy in sweats and chill in the bed with a stack of my favorite movies now...until I'm bored enough to write again!

Listen to your heart

Not the best title, but I've blogged myself stupid in the last few days....Fuck off! So now I'm alone, in my very quiet house, and all I can find to do is blogging and housework. I'm tired of housework! So here I am once again at the faithful (sometimes) laptop...typing meaningless bullshit to pass time.

I have come to the conclusion that when I was 18, I had no idea what I wanted in life. I partied, slept, ate and partied some more. Now I'm 27 and have spent almost a decade growing into the adult I was meant to become. I am a completely different person now. But I've not really sat and thought of what I wanted out of life until recently. Other than survival, which is pretty damn basic, I thought a book was enough. I'm starting to learn more and more of myself in the moments of quiet solitude and  recognize that there is much more to life than survival.

I am not a romantic person by nature. I don't have stars in my eyes and love for many in my heart. I'm bitter. When complemented, I just laugh and say "Whatever". I'm not really a girly girl, nor am I an athlete. I am very much a nerd at heart....but I'm still a woman. Romance is dead for the most part and the act of something nice for someone else usually seems more to do with one's self than the other person. I'm the type of person that does for others without thinking...if it's appreciated. I spent years in a daze that had me doing everything for another person, only to hate myself for it. In a relationship, we should WANT to make the life of the one we love better, not cause more pain and heartache. Enduring self loathing for the past few years has taught me that maybe it doesn't exist. I want the love that was written about in songs and poetry. Not the one that holds its hand out waiting on me to cater and be left broken inside.

My mom is obsessed with "chick-flicks" so I've seen nearly every one of them in my lifetime. I always said I hated them, but ultimately, I think my negative relationship swayed that opinion. I just didn't see it realistically. Can someone really love me as much as I do them? Does the fairy-tale romance exist in our world? I always thought men couldn't love as much or as deeply as women. They don't have the same wiring we do. I look back on my past relationships and wonder if I ever loved anyone the way a woman should love a man or if I was just blinded by the fact that someone seemed to give a shit. I never gave all of myself to anyone. I've never trusted anyone not to hurt me so I kept something back. I don't regret doing this, because I don't think I would have kept anything if there weren't a good reason. So it comes back to this unspoken, unspoiled, simple give and take situation. I advise anyone never take more than you give and never give more than you take.

I do, however, live in the real world. Life is hard. It has conflict, sorrow, pain, anger, and loss. I guess what I'm thinking is, if you can find someone who still makes you happy even if life gets shitty...that's what love should be. Someone who cares and wants you to care for them, and who will appreciate when you do. Ultimately, this post was inspired by a song. I heard it and thought..."hmmm no way that would ever be", and realized how heartless that made me. So after some contemplation on the subject of love...I think that anything is possible, just not common. So wouldn't that make it special?



This is what I think it should be....not just for a moment, but a lifetime. Not that most of us will have it, but if you do, never stop being amazed that you posses something so beautiful!

The End

I've been thinking...I know it's scary, huh?

So anyway, I have been making important decisions lately. Those of you that read this blog know that I have had relationship issues for a while now. I haven't kept that secret well at all. After going through the pretense of "trying to fix" things, I am officially done. As of late, I'm overwhelmed with emotions: anger, sadness, guilt, loneliness, fear, and most of all confusion. I am fully aware that I have blogged about this exact same situation on numerous occasions...Fuck off! I need to vent and if this isn't for venting...eat me! I just wish I would have not seemingly wasted time waiting on things to change when they couldn't and didn't. If ever I felt like a failure, now is that moment. No one wants to say "I'm divorced". It hurts. I also am tired of being married to someone who doesn't take responsibility for much of anything. So ultimately every problem that has ever existed is my fault of course. I've never been the kind of person that is vindictive or spiteful. I'm warm hearted and kind. It's something I was once very proud of...now I feel that it may have ultimately led to my demise. Being nice has its disadvantages. The most notable is when people take it for granted that you don't want to hurt them. I've been called names, had my feelings shattered, and been left to feel like it was my own fault. I wish it didn't take me this long to stop being a victim and start being proactive about what I want and what is necessary to go get it! So when I'm asked to give it another try (another = twenty at this point) I will politely decline. From this moment on, I will do what is best for myself, my children and the life we should have.

I keep remembering everyone saying the same things to me over the years, and I never believed it was right. I probably even denied that things were so bad just to continue to prove them wrong in my own mind. Maybe I've matured to the point where I don't mind admitting I may have made some bad decisions. I have always been very emotionally fragile, but recently I grew cold and hurtful. I never wanted to hurt anyone, until I envisioned what it would be like to actually kill someone. Not like "I'm so mad at you...I'm going to kill you", but grabbing knives and chasing after someone. How does a person go from meek and kind to short-tempered and violent? Easy....misery. I warn those of you who mistreat people you feel are weak, they will snap harder than you would ever have thought. I definitely did a few times. I didn't know I had a temper until I was 24. I went my entire young life without fighting, confrontation, or even really arguing....then one day I changed. When I spent time thinking of how bad my temper had become, I realized I needed to change.

So for the past couple of months, I've been working excessively just to make it. I depend on my friends and family more than I ever did when I was married, which might have led to some of my depression then. I am on my own in an official capacity for the first time in my life! I still have help from family and my ex-husband when Sean and Cory are concerned, which makes me wish I had graduated already so I wouldn't work the hours I have to just to pay my bills. Things will become easier as time goes on. I won't have problems sleeping alone. I won't cry for feeling I've wasted my life. I won't constantly worry if I said something wrong, or look stupid or ugly. I will hold my head up high and be HAPPY once again. Ultimately, that's all I've wanted throughout all of this. Just to simply be happy. I want to wake up and greet the day with a smile once again. I know I will...soon.

I miss being young!

I completely forgot that I was going to try and make the Twiztid show in Atlanta tonight. Had I the memory I once did, I'd have requested off and been on my way by 2pm. Unfortunately, I didn't and had to work until seven. I had already missed it!! Good thing I had a great day today, or I would be more pissed that age has betrayed me again. (Age accompanied with stupidity in my youth) I need to write things down more often!

Even though the last Twiztid concert pissed me off, I would have loved to have remembered to plan for this one. Maybe it was a fluke crap show and this time would have been awesome. For those who have never been....check this out!  And yes I still want Jamie's balls :D Next time I'll definitely be there...who cares how much money I made today?

For those of you who don't like this...don't read my blog. If I gave a fuck what everyone thought all the time, I wouldn't be myself. So if you have something to say...Shut the hell up and leave! That is all!

Writing again?

So I'm sitting here listening to Hooker Slow Jams and thinking of just how awesome the past few weeks have been.  I just know that I don't think I would have believed any of this five years ago. I seem to be really lucky lately and don't know if I'm completely deserving of any of it. Who am I to question the fates? Either way I'm glad to have been struck by all of it.  However, spending most of my time at work has been a strain on my emotions to no end. I wish I could clone myself. 
I seem to not have time for sleep or food and don't actually mind a bit. (not gonna kill me to miss a meal or eight) Countless meetings, Conference calls and Rally calls have taken over some of my personal time. That being said, I'm just glad to have some form of income that I seem to not suck at. I don't hate it. I get to be social without being really social. It's a good feeling. I could be broke and living on a street corner actually singing my own Hooker Slow Jams. Instead, I have to hear the daily blathering of unhappy consumers and their petty complaints. But hey, it's a job. I got money for doing it. I bought stuff. (Actually I bought awesome stuff, and think this Holiday is going to be awesome!)

Christmas shopping in late November, which for me is terribly late. I'm usually finished by September. Oh well, at least I got some good stuff for the low.  I think Alisha will like it...God only knows it suits her to a...well...tee hahaha ugh that was sooo full of cheddar. I think I'm going to spend the rest of this Saturday night with a full bottle of Grey Goose and some fierce grape Gatorade. (yay purple) So until next time, and I promise not to have such a lag in posts....Later

Take the good and take the bad...

Yeah, we all know it...the facts of life. It sucks you move on. I'm really looking forward to doing just that. I don't have hate or anger, just hurt and memories. My posts have become so few lately. I will definitely have to start venting more as time goes on. Thanks for the friends I have that keep me sane, I don't know what I would do without you guys. Love you all....

Yeah, I know...it's been a while :(

After my great interview that was the subject of the last real post I added here...I got the job. Which may explain my slight absence from writing. I love my job. I work at a T-mobile kiosk in the Auburn Mall. There are great co-workers, customers, and other mall employees that make the 2 hour drive worth it. Things have been pretty uneventful aside from my new job. We're getting the boys ready for school (Cory has been ready for Kindergarten for months now) Now that I have a few days to relax  I Think I may work on my tan for a bit before summer is over and I have nothing to show for it...so without sounding as if laying in the warm sun is better than being online...I'll leave you with the idea that no matter what happens in life, it usually happens for a reason. Sometimes you just have to wait to understand. Later peeps :D

Bloggerstock: The Internet Ate My....

I am really excited to be participating in a great blog swap called Bloggerstock.  I will be posting for Toya. She is a southern girl at heart who was actually born in the north. Like so many of us, music is her sanity. She is the youngest of three girls (she considers herself spoiled, but I'm sure she exaggerates). I feel privileged to be posting for a fellow southerner who personifies what being a sweet southern girl is all about! Please stop by and take a moment to read her work here.  Everyone enjoy...

Bloggerstock: The Internet Ate My....
SOCIAL LIFE!
I used to be the girl that would hang out with friends all the time. I would pick up the phone and call my best friend and we would hang out at the mall or just drive around town. I used to call family members all the time to check on them, go to clubs/parties, and be the life of the party. Well, over the years I have slowly become an outcast to not only my family and friends but to the world. It's not something I intentionally did, but it just...
happened.
I used to blame me being a "homebody" because I was a graphic designer and it was my job to stay on the computer all day long and surf the internet. No breaks. Nope. Never had time for breaks because I could miss the next design trend. My friends would call to hang out and I would just brush them off. Family members stopped calling because I was "too busy" to talk. After a while, all calls stopped together.
I justified not calling anyone back or making any contact because " I am a hard working woman and I am trying to make it in the world as a graphic designer by starting my own company."
This is how I was up until a few months ago. I can't explain how I snapped out of it but all of a sudden it started from one phone call to two. Three. Four. I will have to admit that some phone calls were never answered nor returned because I had pushed them so far away from me that there was no possible way to return. This was my own fault.
So if you are reading this, don't let this happen to you. I have lost some great friends along the way because I was so focused on what the internet had to offer and I missed out.


Links to find your way:
Link to Toya's wonderful blog- http://missyoulove.org/
Link to my blog on Bobby's site- http://insidethemindoffleshy.blogspot.com/
and finally, Link to the awesomeness that is Bloggerstock- http://bloggerstock.net/Bloggerstock/Welcome.html


Thanks to everyone who participated. I look forward to reading everyone's posts, and can't wait to swap in May.

My new reads

I spent Wednesday in Auburn under the guise of looking for computer stuff at Best Buy but found myself walking down the the evil chain bookstore. The sidewalk display of $1, $2 and $3 books was just too much to pass up....

There are always random books that catch my eye, I buy them, get them home, and HATE them. I am pleased to say, this is not the case after this trip. So back to my story....

Being the very frugal reader (or very cheap college student, you pick) I loved the idea of buying a ton of $1 books. At that price I can even splurge for over priced, over caffeinated coffee from the overly friendly barista named " Harmony". So I'm perusing the rack for some great book or books to add to the already too large collection currently being housed in large, unsightly storage containers.

To my amazement, I found a couple of really great ones that I actually read today. It's not a shock to those who know me that I'll start and finish a book in a day...these are not substantial books either, but with daily life, it's rare to me to find the time to finish two in a day. I found myself unable to put them down at all. The first book is One Hundred Young Americans by Michael Franzini. This is a beautiful interpretation of America's teens. At first glance I thought it just a book of wonderful photography with some minor details, but upon closer inspection, I found it detailed and observant view of our country's youth.

The next book I grabbed, was less insightful but no less entertaining. Lap Dancing for Mommy by Erika Lopez obviously caught my attention because of the name. I didn't really give it a good "look through" because it was $1. So what if it sucks...I spend $1 on crap everyday. It had a funny name. So I get home and finish One Hundred Young Americans and want to read something else and just grab for the book with the "stripper title". I couldn't stop reading this witty, emotionally bearing book about women, and their loves, envies, and lives! It's done in a graphic novel style, which appeals to me on so many "nerd" levels. Thanks to Daniel White and Mitch Reaves for instilling a love of all things "graphic novel" so that this awesome, cheap purchase made my collection. I'm not saying that either of these guys would read, enjoy, or even look at this particular graphic novel...just that their influence helped me appreciate the art that is the graphic novel!

ok ok...back to the book....

It has a certain raunchy humor that I enjoy, while touching on actual emotional issues. The "penis envy" jokes killed me...if you enjoy some occasional gutter humor, this is definitely something to pick up for a quick read.

I hope I haven't steered you wrong, I like it...it's good enough for me. If these books aren't to your particular taste, I never said you had to like them, but if you have read them or have read other books by these authors, Please share in comments! Enjoy your Friday!
                                                                                  

Attack of 90s flashbacks

I've spent the last few days on a super flashback into the 90s. Not just awesome music, but weird obscure music that only I seem to remember. (Cannonball- The Breeders, look it up) Then there was a discussion on 20SB last night about this exact subject which made my mind churn up more music that I haven't thought of in years. I've even taken a trip out of my usual alternative/rock/metal comfort zone, and into some strange R&B, hip-hop, pop through the 90s. I know that what we listen to throughout our teenage years stick with us for the rest of our lives (Thanks Ross) and for me that was an amazing time. I can listen to Violent Femmes or Blur and think of an exact moment in time when I heard those bands. Who I was with...what was happening, it's like a window to a great moment. I've noticed when I get really stressed, playing Fiona Apple and just being alone takes me to a place where everything gets better. I don't know when it really started, but music has always been the most healing element of my life. For someone who loves music to the point I do, the inability to make it is depressing. I've toyed with the idea of singing, and I guess anyone can sing...only some do it well. (Let's not discuss how I have two amazingly talented sisters with great voices) This doesn't mean I don't break out into song at parties with friends jamming on guitar...yay for spontaneous "Zombie", it just means that I'd never get paid for my vocal abilities.

So I'm gonna grab some flannel and Doc Martin's, listen to Radiohead and Jane's Addiction and just remember the days. I think everyone should join me in celebrating some of the greatest music of our lifetime. So leave a comment to share your favorite songs/artists of the 90s...

The difference between want and need

After waking this morning, I could probably eat an entire animal  (or at least a whole pizza). After thinking "MMM pizza" I see an ad for Mellow Mushroom, and my craving has turned into a painful yearning desire for damn pizza at 9 am. So now I'm starving and I deal with it...check my facebook and someone is complaining about a diet. Oh yeah, now I remember why I don't get pizza... I have to seriously watch what I eat and pizza's not good.

but what if I just eat a veggie one?? and just a little slice...ugh

ok so I'm going to get a salad. I would like to say officially, Summer sucks for all the reasons I can't eat what I want, and have to settle for what I need. So I'm going to listen to The Stones and cry over Mellow Mushroom. BLAH!

A few things to live by!

ONE.  Give  people more than they expect and do it  cheerfully.

TWO.  Marry  a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get  older, their conversational skills will be as  important as any other.

THREE.  Don't  believe all you hear, spend all you have or  sleep all you want.

FOUR.  When  you say, 'I love you,' mean  it.  

 
FIVE...  When  you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the  eye..

SIX.  Be  engaged at least six months before you get  married.

SEVEN.  Believe  in love at first  sight.

EIGHT.  Never  laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have  dreams don't have much.

NINE...  Love  deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but  it's the only way to live life completely.

TEN..  In  disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

ELEVEN.  Don't  judge people by their  relatives.  
TWELVE.  Talk  slowly but think  quickly.  

THIRTEEN. When  someone asks you a question you don't want to  answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to  know?'

FOURTEEN.  Remember  that great love and great achievements involve  great risk.

FIFTEEN.  Say  'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN.  When  you lose, don't lose the  lesson.  

SEVENTEEN.  Remember  the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for  others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN.  Don't  let a little dispute injure a great friendship.  

NINETEEN.  When  you realize you've made a mistake, take  immediate steps to correct  it.  

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone.  The caller will hear it in your voice  

TWENTY-  ONE. Spend  some time alone.

Is this typical student behavior?

I have grown more aware that my perfect grade point average is slipping away slowly. Could this be because I have stopped taking my classes seriously? Am I not putting forth the effort to get the work done? The answer to both of these is yes! But how do I make the necessary changes to complete assignments (on time) and get the grades I've worked so hard to keep while in college? I just looked at my grades for last week, and am appalled that I would fall so fast. I love that my professor grades my essays with lots of red marks; however, I do not like to see so many. I find myself hurt and disgusted that I made an 85 on an essay that I could have easily made a much better grade. This is what happens when I wait until the last minute to do my work! I need motivation! After some online research I found a site that should help. Household notebook provides printable lists to help you complete tasks. I know being more organized will be tremendously helpful, but is it enough? No, I don't think just organizing my life is going to bring my motivation back. My plan is simple...Everything is due by Tuesday night at 11pm. Start my assignments on Wednesday before they are actually due! This gives me a week to make them perfect and I don't have to endure the stress of trying to turn in crappy work by the deadline. The question is how to make myself do homework on Wednesday...

Who reads this crap?

Hello few people who keep up with the useless rants I post here! I'm sorry I've been away so long. Things are pretty uneventful around here...basically meaning SSDD! I have great things to discuss but have been forbidden to post anything about them or talk about them with anyone, because I might "jinx" the situation yet again. I'm going to change my name to "Jinx". I always find a way to uproot any goodness and turn it into pure, unrivaled evil.

I am glad to see my good ol' buddy blogging again. I've missed my Batcave reads for a bit! If you haven't read Bonesy's stuff, you should all check it out now!

Wow...what a tangent. Okay, back to what I was saying....
I just want one thing to go the way I expect for once. I've been told by financial aid to expect some $$ after 8 months of waiting.  Yeah, I'm going to believe some woman who tells me "I'm sending you a check" after the last 100 people have said the same thing only to have it "bungled" somehow" in processing. I'll wait and not be so trusting this time!

Another surprising fact. I spent this weekend sober! I thought I had gotten past my desire to not want to kill braincells, hey, we only use 10% of them anyway. That leaves 90% to destroy by any means necessary, right? But seriously, I made a conscious effort to not drink anything. It was weird, I felt strange, but on the upside...I felt great when waking on Sunday morning with no aftermath of the previous night to haunt my day. This is a step up from the decision a few weeks ago to only imbibe in liquor instead of beer, I'm definitely trying to get away from anything that resembles a "beer gut" and have enough weight problems as it is. So yay for Vodka and Red Bull! But even armed with a fifth of Vodka and my usual arsenal of mixers...I abstained. I'm guessing this is what it feels like to have some sort of willpower, in which I need to keep for next weekend to be the D.D. when we make the trip to the Smokin Moose to see Dead Zealous.

 
Okay it's after 2am...I've got homework (won't do until Tuesday, of course) and I need some type of rest. I'll catch you all on the flip side (whatever the hell that means???)

I'm not special?

I recently stumbled across a blog that really hit home...Her name is Jen Kim and her blog is on Psychology Today. This blog was enlightening to me! I look at other people my age and see a pattern. Our parents, the media and educators all made us feel special...or one of a kind. In truth we are so spoiled to believe that when we get into the workforce, our potential employer can't live without us...this is not true. There are millions of twenty-somethings just like me who want to do just want I want, and I'm made to believe that I'll win out amongst all of them. It's great to teach your children that they have skills that are special, but that they still must work hard. Where is the work ethic of the generations before us? We weren't made to work as hard. We have been given everything without the struggle our parents and our parent's parents endured. Jen touches on the technological advances in today's society and how it has made us more self-centered. We, as a group, depend on instant gratification. Try living without social networking for a week...I can't. Does this mean we are bad? I believe it doesn't, but that we must be capable of remaining grounded to the "IRL" part of life. Having many online friends and spending the majority of my free time, either blogging or working on homework (all online) I find that it's much easier to communicate this way. But like many of my peers, I'm finding a pattern in my life that negates anything outside of my office. I guess my goal with this post is mostly introspective (like most other posts I've made). I need to take some time to re-evaluate my goals and find out what is important, but not to forget that the hard work is a necessary evil to accomplish these goals.

I hope that you all read Jen's blog, and in doing so, it opens your eyes as it did mine. But let's not take all the blame...blame Sesame Street, they caused my self-righteous complex!

Working hard to be good

It can be said that I've not been the most supportive, positive and enthusiastic person I could have been. It could be said I'm ruthless, hurtful, and cold...I believe I was never those things before, and have become hardened by years of being used like a worthless plaything. What makes someone's personality take such a drastic nosedive into blahdom? Useless taunts and empty promises are never enough to push someone over the edge...what does? I've tried to keep an open mind and see past all of these walls and lies from everyone around me, but all I find is more lies. I've never been one to try to hurt someone for my own personal gain and still don't...but I will say, if you cut, I cut deeper, if you hit, I hit harder...keep it in mind before you start anything with me. I've waited a lifetime being subservient to those who don't deserve servitude, and now I'm pissed! Maybe I'm mad at myself...maybe at all of the times I've been walked on. I'm betting on both...but trust me that I won't be anyone's doormat anymore and I've bitten my tongue for the last time!

On a positive note (see I am trying!!) My school papers are finally finished...I found someone today who knew what they were actually talking about and took care of everything! No more waiting on paperwork to be approved, I'm good to go! I've worked on catching up homework and found that I enjoyed it. Two weeks away and it was like coming home to an old friend. I hope things stay this way...

Responsibility for words and actions (too much to ask?)

I feel as though everyone and everything around me has decided to fall off of the responsibility wagon. My school has once again "lost" my paperwork, that I have faxed and emailed numerous times, so now right before the start of my third term, I am blocked from classes. I find this odd...it's no fault of my own and they block ME from classes. I think they should give tuition discounts for every time they mess up my stuff...ok you lost my paperwork ten times (minus $1000 tuition) maybe then they would be a bit more "on top" of things. Let's not forget that if they do not remove this "block" I will miss important stuff like seminar, assignments, and projects all because they messed up my stuff. Professors are generally not cool with someone being blocked, and I totally understand that. I'd deserve it if I didn't handle my business....but....Let's just see how long it takes them to fix the issue they messed up in the first place!

On to a different rant, I am no longer anyone's secretary. I will not do your stuff without monetary payment in full before I start. I keep getting told, "I just need some help with (insert stupid task), I'll do (insert some menial favor) when I get a chance...". I am getting used with no hope of ever getting the thanks I should be. If you want to be a user...find some other "nice guy" to exploit! I'm not that person anymore.

I'm starting to hate when other people can't admit wrongdoing , which is why the stupid school stuff is burning my buns in the first place. If you are over the age of 18, have decent social and personal skills, should you not have a good understand of what it is to do wrong? No adult should have to be told "Hey, that's not nice!" or "You should take care of your own problems"....meh some adults are rarely ever responsible, dependable, or have sound judgment. It's the mirage to everyone around them that they possess these "grown-up" skills. You learn them over many different situations. If someone is always bailing you out....you learn nothing! I hope this has helped those who don't know whether or not you have passed the threshold into adulthood...for a few, I'm sure you are teetering on the doorway! Make a decision already. Come inside where you stand for yourself, by yourself, ...or stand out with the umbrella of people who do everything for you. BE A CHILD. I could care less, but I won't be the one to bail you out any longer....If you come to me for a favor, be sure you understand the repercussions of USING other people! First of these repercussions being: people don't like being used! Second, friends gladly help friends, but if over time only one friend is getting the help...someone is being used! Third, if someone helps you, don't complain about the help you are receiving. This seriously sucks. I hate when I do something out of the kindness of my heart (the way Momma taught me) and it doesn't measure up to the greatness of what some one else could do...if you don't like what I do...do it yourself! I mean all of this with the most respect I can muster at this moment. Keep in mind these bits of info...quitting smoking is crap! I want jolly ranchers! and lastly Being sick sux! all of this comes down to me wanting to break stuff after holding in some really harmful trash over the last few months.


One last thing: If you feel the need to put my name into your mouth, it's a good idea to look around at who is listening.

It's been a couple of days...

I know right? I usually blog way more often than this...we'll just blame it on an awesome birthday party and homework (though I'm sure everyone knows I've not actually done my homework as of yet). So, after a crazy couple of days I'm back! Nothing really to say negative, which is a shock to even me. I've had a great weekend with my friends and wish I had pictures to blackmail everyone with, but my camera decided against me on this.Leslie's party was a blast and I'm glad I got to spend some well deserved time away from my little "hole on the hill". Here's to hoping I can have another weekend as great as this past one!

I have finals this week. Specifically due tomorrow night! I keep putting it off because I think I can. I guess we'll see. Maybe I'll have a "serious" post after tomorrow night...doubt it. Life is Good!

My Call to Wayne Cato

I was anxious and apprehensive to call a teacher, who has since retired and ask a few general questions. All of my worries subsided when after a brief explanation of who I was and what I wanted, he was thrilled to help with my “little project”.

When asked why he became a teacher, he simply said he always knew that he had to teach. He taught for thirty years at my own Alma Matter, Handley High School, taking a brief position teaching Western Civilization at the local community college, Southern Union State Community College. When I asked why he did not stay at the college level, he said that it became more impersonal and though financially more rewarding, nothing could replace the impact that high school students had on his life. He began by teaching 8th grade English, then moved on to 10th grade World History and finally settled with 11th grade American History where he stayed for the rest of his years. By the time I reached 11th grade he had long since retired. I was, however, lucky enough to have him substitute for three months my junior year. He relaxed all fears and made History, a class I am not overly fond, fun, exciting, and mysterious. I loved my time in class with him, and think of him often now as I go along my journey to what I want to do as well.

In conclusion, my telephone conversation with Mr. Cato left me speechless, when he decided to turn from the interviewee into the interviewer. He asked why I decided to change my major from business administration to education all of the sudden. I panicked! The only answer and entirely truthful reason was because I wanted to show others the joy learning can bring and that no other career in the world would bring me this fulfillment. His response brought tears to my eyes and he simply said, “Then honey, you are meant to do nothing else, but teach others and brighten their lives”. I could never ask for a better recommendation that what he gave me, and he even said for me to stay in contact so when I graduate he can write my letter of recommendation to the school personally. I feel thankful that I chose this course of action for this assignment and am extremely motivated to accomplish my goals now. (This is actually an assignment for my Composition class...thought it fitting for a blog post tho)

It's a new day, A new dawn....

Ok so what's wrong with me and Michael Buble? It fits, you'll see...

So this weekend has been dramatic to say the least. There are some changes that I'm not sure how to feel and implement them into what I already know. Daniel and I both agreed (through tears and kind words) that there wasn't anything left for us. It's painful, it's sad, but most of all it's a relief. I felt horrible that I wasn't "in" love with him anymore and tried and tried but couldn't fall back into that comfortable spot I had found years before. No, we don't have a clue where to go from here. It's agreed that we will be active parents in our children's lives and still be friends no matter what. After all that's what we were to begin with...best of friends. We'll see where this new road leads, but I am happy and content knowing I don't have something hanging over me any longer.