Monday, November 29, 2010

Listen to your heart

Not the best title, but I've blogged myself stupid in the last few days....Fuck off! So now I'm alone, in my very quiet house, and all I can find to do is blogging and housework. I'm tired of housework! So here I am once again at the faithful (sometimes) laptop...typing meaningless bullshit to pass time.

I have come to the conclusion that when I was 18, I had no idea what I wanted in life. I partied, slept, ate and partied some more. Now I'm 27 and have spent almost a decade growing into the adult I was meant to become. I am a completely different person now. But I've not really sat and thought of what I wanted out of life until recently. Other than survival, which is pretty damn basic, I thought a book was enough. I'm starting to learn more and more of myself in the moments of quiet solitude and  recognize that there is much more to life than survival.

I am not a romantic person by nature. I don't have stars in my eyes and love for many in my heart. I'm bitter. When complemented, I just laugh and say "Whatever". I'm not really a girly girl, nor am I an athlete. I am very much a nerd at heart....but I'm still a woman. Romance is dead for the most part and the act of something nice for someone else usually seems more to do with one's self than the other person. I'm the type of person that does for others without thinking...if it's appreciated. I spent years in a daze that had me doing everything for another person, only to hate myself for it. In a relationship, we should WANT to make the life of the one we love better, not cause more pain and heartache. Enduring self loathing for the past few years has taught me that maybe it doesn't exist. I want the love that was written about in songs and poetry. Not the one that holds its hand out waiting on me to cater and be left broken inside.

My mom is obsessed with "chick-flicks" so I've seen nearly every one of them in my lifetime. I always said I hated them, but ultimately, I think my negative relationship swayed that opinion. I just didn't see it realistically. Can someone really love me as much as I do them? Does the fairy-tale romance exist in our world? I always thought men couldn't love as much or as deeply as women. They don't have the same wiring we do. I look back on my past relationships and wonder if I ever loved anyone the way a woman should love a man or if I was just blinded by the fact that someone seemed to give a shit. I never gave all of myself to anyone. I've never trusted anyone not to hurt me so I kept something back. I don't regret doing this, because I don't think I would have kept anything if there weren't a good reason. So it comes back to this unspoken, unspoiled, simple give and take situation. I advise anyone never take more than you give and never give more than you take.

I do, however, live in the real world. Life is hard. It has conflict, sorrow, pain, anger, and loss. I guess what I'm thinking is, if you can find someone who still makes you happy even if life gets shitty...that's what love should be. Someone who cares and wants you to care for them, and who will appreciate when you do. Ultimately, this post was inspired by a song. I heard it and thought..."hmmm no way that would ever be", and realized how heartless that made me. So after some contemplation on the subject of love...I think that anything is possible, just not common. So wouldn't that make it special?

This is what I think it should be....not just for a moment, but a lifetime. Not that most of us will have it, but if you do, never stop being amazed that you posses something so beautiful!

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