Tuesday, December 7, 2010


I feel like blogging, but my current topic is not one to post here in public sight. I have toyed with the idea of posting an anonymous blog that I can say whatever the fuck I want to. But I think it's too much effort just to have some sort of release. This one will have to suffice while remaining censored. I'm making a trip to Birmingham to take the ex-hubby for a CAT Scan. Hopefully, I can make the most of this. Along for the ride are my laptop, phone and countless cds to keep me entertained. I don't handle boredom well.

Onto my almost post. Almost because I can't really say what I want. First amendment my ass, I can't post what I intended, so I'm going with this...

felt this way all my life
Blame hormones. I am a chick and I do get somewhat moody sometimes. Hell, others would dare say I become a bitch (hush yo mouth). I've never been more confused or felt more venerable, wow totally sounds like hormones at work here, huh? In my age I've learned to speak what I need to get the message across. I spent too long holding things in and waiting things out. I ask, I tell, I deal. It's pretty simple. This past birthday made me realize there are two kinds of people in this world: those who sit and wait and those who go get. And while I've never seen a problem in the "sitting and waiting" I've come to realize it's much more simple to "go get".

I have always been terribly shy and self conscious about everything I could. Since September 26, 2010, I have vowed to love myself no matter what, and it seems to help. I've done quite a few things in the last few months on my own that I never would have thought of before. I had this irrational fear of eating or drinking alone in public and now it's not even a big thing. I don't look at myself and hate what I see, I don't like it, but it's not the most horrible thing in the world. I'm simple and honest and content in just that. Honesty. I've been lied to my whole life by everyone around me. Promised things I never saw come to fruition. Been hurt and had my hopes shattered. All of this might have led to my self- conscious behavior and I could have easily spent the rest of my life in a bubble of blah! I refuse to have my self worth and happiness depend on the decision of another person. I don't want the "I don't want to hurt you" line of crap. No matter what...people hurt. I never wanted to let anyone down, or make them feel anything but happy. Always the people pleaser, this girl.  In the end, I hurt people by not being honest, not lying, but not telling the entire truth. It's not a good idea to spare someone's feelings only to drag things out so that the truth finally cuts deeper than it would had you been honest from the start. I'm witnessing my mistakes now...I hate to hurt anyone, but am fully aware I had the power to change this two years ago and there would have been less pain all around.

So I ask all of you, if there is something you need to say...say it.
If there is something you need to do, do it.
And don't drag out the inevitable. They were right when they said "honesty is the best policy", so use it. We are only allowed so much time, why spend it being miserable and sad, when you can be happy and content. 

I think by not being upfront about things, I was selfish. It's not easy to tell someone hurtful things even if you mean them in a less than hurtful way. I didn't want to cause a conflict but actually made more conflict in the end. I held in my feelings and thoughts for so long when I finally let them go it was like Hiroshima. I guess it's the way it works. When you try to be nice to someone and spare them you end up slicing them to pieces when the truth finally hits. Just wished I'd have learned this lesson sooner in life.