Planning for Halloween

For years, I wanted to be an "evil Alice"...checked that one off the list this past Halloween. I started thinking about what I wanted to do next year and the only viable option is Dawn. "Why are you blogging about NEXT year's Halloween costume in December?" you ask...simple...motivation! Anyone who has ever seen Joseph Linsner's Cry for Dawn artwork, knows why I need surplus amounts of motivation. I will have to work out almost continuously to pull off this character. I know it's just a costume, but I want to do it right.

The character has to be one of the most beautiful women imagined in someone's mind. Everything about her is female...and she's badass! So, you see, the task I've set before myself is an extremely challenging one. The hair isn't a big deal, I will let mine grow. The body (not to mention boobs) is something that I may not be able to achieve...but I'm damn sure going to try. So with all of this being said, here is the first potential costume for Halloween 2011...may it live in infamy!

Ok, before my phone starts blowing up! There will definitely have to be fabric added to certain areas to allow for public display of my amazing costume abilities...but it's purple! and we all know......


I've also been thinking of the long white flowing dress, which leaves much more to the imagination and makes me a little less uncomfortable. Either way, I will be Dawn next year for Halloween. And maybe even DragonCon if I make it :D

OMG Shoes

First, I must say, every woman loves hot shoes. It's predetermined when we get the second X Chromosome or something. I'm no different than the rest of the female population. At last count, I had at least 50 pairs of shoes, and that was after "thinning" them out. I don't know why I need so many. No, I can't wear more than two at a time, but damn...shoes make me happy. This being said...I love Zombies, all things zombies in fact. I have a ring that actually states "I <3 Zombies". What do you get when you combine these two obsessions of mine???

you get this: pure fucking awesomeness

I don't know when, I don't know where, but I do know I WILL have these. "Where would you wear them?" you ask....EVERYWHERE. I would wear these bitches to the supermarket to pick up a gallon of milk. I have never longed for a pair of shoes like I do these....*SIGHS*

Even more shopping....

I spent my day away from work putting my share of money back into the economy. Grabbed a couple of small things the boys asked for and even bought myself something. Now I know it's the season of giving, but generally we don't exchange gifts in my family. Once you reach 18...you're on your own. And it was the BATMOBILE... for like a dollar. I'm super happy to add it to the shelf. :D Just too bad I have to wait until Christmas to do it.

I also got one of my favorite movies, "The Last Unicorn". It may be "crap" ;) but it was my ultimate girly pleasure as a child. Every thing else I loved consisted of mud, Ninja Turtles, Transformers, Hot Wheels, Tonka...if it was not girly, I loved it. Aside from anything purple, or having anything to do with a unicorn. To this day, I still get goosebumps when I watch Legend. True some of them are caused by Tim Curry. I still can't explain my obsession with him throughout my entire life, it's just strange.

Back to above:

I spent what I deemed "unimportant money" and went to lunch, where I spent six bucks on food I barely touched! I don't mind having less of an appetite, but really hate that I spend money to eat and it goes to waste. I can just hear my Aunt Lane asking me about the "starving children in Ethiopia" to which my reply was always grabbing a box, filling with my leftovers, and telling her we should ship it overnight. I don't like wasting anything...Being so cheap has advantages, but also drawbacks of course! No one likes a penny pincher :P

So I have this crazy busy day that is supposed to be quiet and relaxing. Get to the school to pick up Sean and Cory and think all is well...I was wrong. I don't get a few miles before I hear a blood curdling scream! I immediately pull over to see what has happened...Cory is crying and chocolate milk has covered my backseat. I didn't know he had chocolate milk. Where did it come from? How does a child just conjure a carton of chocolate milk in the backseat? I immediately used the nearest thing (my jacket) to clean the mess and dry him off. Then raced to clean my trash heap some would call a car. This is not my first incident with chocolate milk. I have been surprised with curdled almost solid chocolate milk in my backseat cup holder over the summer. If you have ever smelled milk spoiled and forgotten in your car, you know exactly the nauseating torture I endured. I had to immediately clean up the spilled milk to avoid another scrubbing and shop vac session.

I love my children, they amaze me daily. But why does a small catastrophe hit every day? It's dinner time, then bath, then bed...then Mom gets quiet, hot bath, and vodka...all will be well.

Ohh...one more thing

If this isn't culture, you can kiss my ass!


Now I'm totally finished.


...well maybe

Culture continues a year later...

This time last year, I was constantly bitching about the lack of "culture" in my life. I guess I wasn't looking hard enough. I am surrounded by music, art, books, movies and everything that gives someone a fulfilled life...I just was blind to it. I think that being happier lately helps realize the great things in my life. As I type this, I'm staring up at a six foot tall shelf filled with books, movies and random superhero memorabilia....who was I kidding? My life is full of culture and now that I see it, I'm even happier!!! God, I love being a nerd sometimes. Everyone should give it a chance at least once! So grab your copy of (Insert your personal favorite nerd art form) and enjoy. Life is too short to let bad shit cloud the greatness in your life.  I'm posting this for everyone, but most of all, for myself. I know I can look back at this and remember exactly why I have every reason in the world to be content. I have awesome stuff. If you don't currently posses cool, awesome shit like me, you can always...check out these 6 Animals that just don't give a fuck. This might be funny shit! If that still doesn't brighten your life on some molecular level, you fucking suck!

Lost Boys

Welcome back! I'm looking forward to another evening of nothingness :D Tonight is like my Friday night (off work tomorrow) so I'm going to watch horror movies and veg out. To some this is a sad existence, but to me it's what I live for.... Now the big question: Zombies or Vampires? Both have special places in my heart. I haven't seen Night of the Living Dead in a while, but then again I really want to watch Lost Boys and order Chinese hehehe I guess it will be both.

These lazy nights are few and far between, but when I get them I cherish them! I just wish the boys had a bit less energy tonight. You think they would get along once in a while. Instead they are having a full blown fight on if monsters really exist. Cory, of course, believes they do (my dreamworld like imagination at work) and is scared to pretend to be one. I swear, five year olds are nuts!

I guess I'm going to get comfy in sweats and chill in the bed with a stack of my favorite movies now...until I'm bored enough to write again!

Listen to your heart

Not the best title, but I've blogged myself stupid in the last few days....Fuck off! So now I'm alone, in my very quiet house, and all I can find to do is blogging and housework. I'm tired of housework! So here I am once again at the faithful (sometimes) laptop...typing meaningless bullshit to pass time.

I have come to the conclusion that when I was 18, I had no idea what I wanted in life. I partied, slept, ate and partied some more. Now I'm 27 and have spent almost a decade growing into the adult I was meant to become. I am a completely different person now. But I've not really sat and thought of what I wanted out of life until recently. Other than survival, which is pretty damn basic, I thought a book was enough. I'm starting to learn more and more of myself in the moments of quiet solitude and  recognize that there is much more to life than survival.

I am not a romantic person by nature. I don't have stars in my eyes and love for many in my heart. I'm bitter. When complemented, I just laugh and say "Whatever". I'm not really a girly girl, nor am I an athlete. I am very much a nerd at heart....but I'm still a woman. Romance is dead for the most part and the act of something nice for someone else usually seems more to do with one's self than the other person. I'm the type of person that does for others without thinking...if it's appreciated. I spent years in a daze that had me doing everything for another person, only to hate myself for it. In a relationship, we should WANT to make the life of the one we love better, not cause more pain and heartache. Enduring self loathing for the past few years has taught me that maybe it doesn't exist. I want the love that was written about in songs and poetry. Not the one that holds its hand out waiting on me to cater and be left broken inside.

My mom is obsessed with "chick-flicks" so I've seen nearly every one of them in my lifetime. I always said I hated them, but ultimately, I think my negative relationship swayed that opinion. I just didn't see it realistically. Can someone really love me as much as I do them? Does the fairy-tale romance exist in our world? I always thought men couldn't love as much or as deeply as women. They don't have the same wiring we do. I look back on my past relationships and wonder if I ever loved anyone the way a woman should love a man or if I was just blinded by the fact that someone seemed to give a shit. I never gave all of myself to anyone. I've never trusted anyone not to hurt me so I kept something back. I don't regret doing this, because I don't think I would have kept anything if there weren't a good reason. So it comes back to this unspoken, unspoiled, simple give and take situation. I advise anyone never take more than you give and never give more than you take.

I do, however, live in the real world. Life is hard. It has conflict, sorrow, pain, anger, and loss. I guess what I'm thinking is, if you can find someone who still makes you happy even if life gets shitty...that's what love should be. Someone who cares and wants you to care for them, and who will appreciate when you do. Ultimately, this post was inspired by a song. I heard it and thought..."hmmm no way that would ever be", and realized how heartless that made me. So after some contemplation on the subject of love...I think that anything is possible, just not common. So wouldn't that make it special?



This is what I think it should be....not just for a moment, but a lifetime. Not that most of us will have it, but if you do, never stop being amazed that you posses something so beautiful!

The End

I've been thinking...I know it's scary, huh?

So anyway, I have been making important decisions lately. Those of you that read this blog know that I have had relationship issues for a while now. I haven't kept that secret well at all. After going through the pretense of "trying to fix" things, I am officially done. As of late, I'm overwhelmed with emotions: anger, sadness, guilt, loneliness, fear, and most of all confusion. I am fully aware that I have blogged about this exact same situation on numerous occasions...Fuck off! I need to vent and if this isn't for venting...eat me! I just wish I would have not seemingly wasted time waiting on things to change when they couldn't and didn't. If ever I felt like a failure, now is that moment. No one wants to say "I'm divorced". It hurts. I also am tired of being married to someone who doesn't take responsibility for much of anything. So ultimately every problem that has ever existed is my fault of course. I've never been the kind of person that is vindictive or spiteful. I'm warm hearted and kind. It's something I was once very proud of...now I feel that it may have ultimately led to my demise. Being nice has its disadvantages. The most notable is when people take it for granted that you don't want to hurt them. I've been called names, had my feelings shattered, and been left to feel like it was my own fault. I wish it didn't take me this long to stop being a victim and start being proactive about what I want and what is necessary to go get it! So when I'm asked to give it another try (another = twenty at this point) I will politely decline. From this moment on, I will do what is best for myself, my children and the life we should have.

I keep remembering everyone saying the same things to me over the years, and I never believed it was right. I probably even denied that things were so bad just to continue to prove them wrong in my own mind. Maybe I've matured to the point where I don't mind admitting I may have made some bad decisions. I have always been very emotionally fragile, but recently I grew cold and hurtful. I never wanted to hurt anyone, until I envisioned what it would be like to actually kill someone. Not like "I'm so mad at you...I'm going to kill you", but grabbing knives and chasing after someone. How does a person go from meek and kind to short-tempered and violent? Easy....misery. I warn those of you who mistreat people you feel are weak, they will snap harder than you would ever have thought. I definitely did a few times. I didn't know I had a temper until I was 24. I went my entire young life without fighting, confrontation, or even really arguing....then one day I changed. When I spent time thinking of how bad my temper had become, I realized I needed to change.

So for the past couple of months, I've been working excessively just to make it. I depend on my friends and family more than I ever did when I was married, which might have led to some of my depression then. I am on my own in an official capacity for the first time in my life! I still have help from family and my ex-husband when Sean and Cory are concerned, which makes me wish I had graduated already so I wouldn't work the hours I have to just to pay my bills. Things will become easier as time goes on. I won't have problems sleeping alone. I won't cry for feeling I've wasted my life. I won't constantly worry if I said something wrong, or look stupid or ugly. I will hold my head up high and be HAPPY once again. Ultimately, that's all I've wanted throughout all of this. Just to simply be happy. I want to wake up and greet the day with a smile once again. I know I will...soon.

I miss being young!

I completely forgot that I was going to try and make the Twiztid show in Atlanta tonight. Had I the memory I once did, I'd have requested off and been on my way by 2pm. Unfortunately, I didn't and had to work until seven. I had already missed it!! Good thing I had a great day today, or I would be more pissed that age has betrayed me again. (Age accompanied with stupidity in my youth) I need to write things down more often!

Even though the last Twiztid concert pissed me off, I would have loved to have remembered to plan for this one. Maybe it was a fluke crap show and this time would have been awesome. For those who have never been....check this out!  And yes I still want Jamie's balls :D Next time I'll definitely be there...who cares how much money I made today?

For those of you who don't like this...don't read my blog. If I gave a fuck what everyone thought all the time, I wouldn't be myself. So if you have something to say...Shut the hell up and leave! That is all!