No sleep till...

Na, not going to Brooklyn anytime soon. But I could definitely listen to some Beastie Boys and chill. Unfortunately "chilling" isn't possible with my current schedule. I almost feel guilty for posting anything tonight, because my heart's just not in it. I should really be sleeping, but it's 1am and I'm still here. Up for work in 5 hours. I will regret not sleeping earlier, but those pesky responsibilities keep me up. So while I wait on laundry, I'm creating this completely useless post.

I can think of one great thing that comes from my overloaded schedule and it's $$$. I look forward to seeing two little boys on Christmas with smiling faces. It's about the only thing that's keeping me going at this point. Every year they get pretty much what they want, but this year both were extremely specific in their gift requests. They both want guitars, Auburn jerseys, video games....and while I miss them to death from working and saving money by staying close to work, I know it will be worth it in a couple of weeks. Tuesday I get to spend the day with them...as I do Friday. I can't wait!! All I can think about is what we're going to do. Honestly, I've never been away from them this much in their lives. Sometimes working so much makes me feel like a horrible mother after being a "stay at home" mom for so long. It kills me for Cory to look at me with tears in his eyes and say "Mommy, I've really, really missed you!" What do you say to that? Mommy is working so she can pay Santa? He doesn't understand at all. I wouldn't expect a five year old to understand the adult problems I've been facing. It's almost as bad as when he asks about "Mommy and Daddy". There is a book on how to discuss divorce with a child...I need to find it. I don't ever have the right words to keep his heart from breaking. Which, in turn, breaks mine. There has never been anything in my life I'm more sure of than my role as a mother, but lately I feel like I'm lacking. So what do I do? They can't go to work with me. I'm always working.

I thought about moving closer to work and cutting my drive time down a bit. It would mean more time with them and less $$ on gas. Ultimately, I love having my house in the middle of nowhere and my finances under control (for the most part). My mom insists that I should move to Dothan and stay with her until I can find a place of my own....who wants to deal with that at 27? Not this girl!!! I'm sure it wouldn't be like high school all over again, but she is my mother and anyone who knows this woman, also knows she is relentless when it comes to pushing her opinion on me. So I'm stuck in this situation. With a divorce approaching, Christmas very soon, and no end in sight, it looks as if I may be buried with stress. It's not the first time, the last time or the worst time. I will get through all of this. Just gotta keep my head up. I want to thank those of you that have helped me keep my sanity lately. Without you I would have lost it ages ago! I really do have the greatest friends anywhere....

It's only going to get later the longer I type, so I'm going to try my best to get some sleep now. Goodnight all, and hopefully you have a great weekend! Until I find a moment to post more of my usual uselessness....

Something to make you smile :D

Something

I feel like blogging, but my current topic is not one to post here in public sight. I have toyed with the idea of posting an anonymous blog that I can say whatever the fuck I want to. But I think it's too much effort just to have some sort of release. This one will have to suffice while remaining censored. I'm making a trip to Birmingham to take the ex-hubby for a CAT Scan. Hopefully, I can make the most of this. Along for the ride are my laptop, phone and countless cds to keep me entertained. I don't handle boredom well.

Onto my almost post. Almost because I can't really say what I want. First amendment my ass, I can't post what I intended, so I'm going with this...

felt this way all my life

Blame hormones. I am a chick and I do get somewhat moody sometimes. Hell, others would dare say I become a bitch (hush yo mouth). I've never been more confused or felt more venerable, wow totally sounds like hormones at work here, huh? In my age I've learned to speak what I need to get the message across. I spent too long holding things in and waiting things out. I ask, I tell, I deal. It's pretty simple. This past birthday made me realize there are two kinds of people in this world: those who sit and wait and those who go get. And while I've never seen a problem in the "sitting and waiting" I've come to realize it's much more simple to "go get".

I have always been terribly shy and self conscious about everything I could. Since September 26, 2010, I have vowed to love myself no matter what, and it seems to help. I've done quite a few things in the last few months on my own that I never would have thought of before. I had this irrational fear of eating or drinking alone in public and now it's not even a big thing. I don't look at myself and hate what I see, I don't like it, but it's not the most horrible thing in the world. I'm simple and honest and content in just that. Honesty. I've been lied to my whole life by everyone around me. Promised things I never saw come to fruition. Been hurt and had my hopes shattered. All of this might have led to my self- conscious behavior and I could have easily spent the rest of my life in a bubble of blah! I refuse to have my self worth and happiness depend on the decision of another person. I don't want the "I don't want to hurt you" line of crap. No matter what...people hurt. I never wanted to let anyone down, or make them feel anything but happy. Always the people pleaser, this girl.  In the end, I hurt people by not being honest, not lying, but not telling the entire truth. It's not a good idea to spare someone's feelings only to drag things out so that the truth finally cuts deeper than it would had you been honest from the start. I'm witnessing my mistakes now...I hate to hurt anyone, but am fully aware I had the power to change this two years ago and there would have been less pain all around.

So I ask all of you, if there is something you need to say...say it.
If there is something you need to do, do it.
And don't drag out the inevitable. They were right when they said "honesty is the best policy", so use it. We are only allowed so much time, why spend it being miserable and sad, when you can be happy and content. 

I think by not being upfront about things, I was selfish. It's not easy to tell someone hurtful things even if you mean them in a less than hurtful way. I didn't want to cause a conflict but actually made more conflict in the end. I held in my feelings and thoughts for so long when I finally let them go it was like Hiroshima. I guess it's the way it works. When you try to be nice to someone and spare them you end up slicing them to pieces when the truth finally hits. Just wished I'd have learned this lesson sooner in life.

"Those" girls

So this post is inspired by one of the greatest bloggers ever! Kris, I owe you for this rant. Check out her blog here. Ok, now...onto my rant!

I have many "male" friends. It's true most of my pals are dudes. I am not the most girly of girls and have so much more in common with me male species. Anyone who frequents this blog knows exactly that and I assure you, most of you are guys. 

Yes folks, Alyssa Milano. Sam!!! NO!!!

Why is it that you have the girls you want to be with, "good girls" and the girls you swoon for (we will call them...) "less than good girls"? I know there is a difference and have been told on numerous occasions that there are girls you fuck and girls you marry...and that I was a girl you marry. While I definitely don't mind being considered in the latter, I want to know why the "girls you fuck" are so appealing. They only hurt you or use you in some way and yet you keep going after the same kind of chicks. hmmm I'm speaking of the ones who flaunt around in underwear or less with too much make up and fake hair. I'm not dissing underwear, make up or extensions, just that when combined to create a certain look, the only thing I see is "cheap". Why can't guys see this? Do they not have radar for that kind of thing?

I'm no angel and have fake hair laying around, I tan on occasion, and have a closet full of clothes that could be made to look like the "not so good girls" wardrobe, but I generally can be found in jeans, a graphic tee, and sneakers. The girls I get along with don't wear barely there dresses, have noticeably horrible extensions in their hair, and hideous orange skin tones! WHY IS THIS SO ATTRACTIVE?

Jersey Shore Girls

When did looking like a streetwalking oompaloompa become so popular. I remember years ago when girls wore too much make up...we made fun of them then tried to "fix" their mistakes (mean then nice...see how it works) Now it's everywhere, and there is no fixing this shit. Yes, I blame MTV and their popular "Jersey Shore" ideas as of late. I never knew that having sex with random guys while looking so awful would become what young women strived for in life. Have enough self esteem to put on some clothes, and lay off the spray tan.

Maybe being southern and from a very old school family makes me a bit biased. Maybe if I lived in a place on the north east coast of the US I wouldn't think twice about this, but I don't live anywhere but here...and it's here too now. I work in a mall therefore most of my peers are in their very early twenties. As I'm approaching 3-0, I think about life a bit differently. Most of the girls are normal, beautiful, sweet college kids, but there are a few who work very near me that sport this look. One of which we have affectionately named "Snookie". I live with no cable and haven't seen the show, but from what I gather in other forms of media...this chick in the mall is just like her. She wears uggs and short shorts, has dyed black hair, too much eye make up (black on black ugh) and is seriously ORANGE! I want to do the right thing and take her to the bathroom with some make up remover and a loofa. Why, do you want to do this to yourself?

Glasses and a Batman tee...yup yup

Aside from looking like an idiot, if that weren't enough, why are you slutty too? Do these things just coincide? I hope the guys that read this realize what kind of women are out there, and are choosing who they approach with caution. Yes, you can nail the "not so good girls" much easier, but those of us who are "good girls" are worth the wait and won't treat you like shit! So for myself, Kris, and all other Good girls out there...Guys stop playing into this stupidity! If you stop giving attention for the wrong reasons, maybe these women (said loosely and no pun intended there) will stop trying to get it using their bodies and start working on what really matters. If you are one of those "easy" girls, I'm sorry if I offended you, but damn! Grow up! Life isn't about the new push up bra, or mini skirt. It's not about the Mystic Tan and 24" hair extensions, life is about making the most of what we are given...try that instead! You are given a mind and it's clear to me it's underutilized. There is much more to being "sexy" than how few articles of clothing you wear and how tan (orange) your skin can become. I'm proud to be intelligent and don't hesitate to use that to my benefit. Maybe relying on how much attention you get for being easy isn't the greatest way to feel good about yourself.

I'm not saying to be prudent. Every human has a sexual need. I am saying to be more selective. Don't just be a SLUT! There is a time,a place and a person to let go with...find that first, then the rest will work itself out!

Nice Quiet Sunday

It has been one hell of a long weekend. I've driven all over the planet and back and still gotten no where. Saturday was a double shift for me and not a very successful one at that. Usually, Saturday doubles are great! I can expect at least 4 activations and countless upgrades (commission anyone?) but it was DEAD!! Spent my lunch break at Applebee's yet again and drank too many Greatful Deads, yet again. Caught Auburn kick ass in the SEC championship, which might be the most awesome game I've seen in ages. Then, finally made it out of work at 9:30 just to crash out and sleep. Then received a message saying I had to work today, when I was supposed to be scheduled off. I was pissed to say the least!

After almost working today (na, I'd have not gone) I made it home to see my boys. We had lots of catching up to do so we began our adventure at the place we all love, WALMART! Yes, I loathe everything that is Wal-Mart but needed food and stuff...

Anyway, We decided to have pictures made with Santa. By "we" I mean they. There should hopefully never be another photo of me and Santa for the rest of my life. Cory realized right away who the guy in the suit was, I blame living and working in a small town so everyone knows everyone. What does he do?...As loudly and bluntly as possible, he yells, "HEY, You're not the real Santa! You work at Wal-Mart!" Everyone in earshot died laughing! What can I say? I have a brilliant 5 year old. After our shopping trip, I thought it may be a good idea to grab some hot chocolate and drive around looking at all of the local Christmas lights. Both boys agreed this could be cool. However, 15 minutes into our drive and both boys had to make a "stop" and Sean was growing "bored". Apparently Christmas lights aren't cool when you're 7. So now we're all settled down watching The Princess and the Frog (my choice :P) and going to have a quiet evening together.

I have to say, this has been a pretty amazing weekend. Auburn wins the SEC championship, I caught up on missed sleep and I've spent time with the most amazing guys I know :D Life is Wonderful! I just hope the challenges I have to face now are not too hard to iron out. I damn sure deserve to be happy, after all of the bullshit!

 WAR DAMN EAGLE. Check out Mister Bones' blog...he says it better than I ever could myself!